My name is Kyle. I grew up in a small town in central Victoria, called Romsey, about 5 minutes away from Hanging Rock. I enjoy playing video games with mates, binging netflix with my girlfriend, I love Harry Potter and anything comic book related, so what I am really saying is I am a giant nerd!

Growing up I always felt a bit different to the rest of my family, instead of being outside kicking the footy with my brothers, I preferred to be inside reading a book. I would be doing homework while my brother were washing the truck with dad. I was surrounded by a family of dog people, when all I really wanted was like a pet.... duck, you know?

I’ve felt like a duck most of my life, calm on the surface but if you were able to look underneath, you would see I am working overtime to stay afloat.

Just before I started high school, my family went through some financial struggles and I ended up spending the first weeks of year 7 living in my grandparents’ guest room with a bag of clothes. While my new friends were organising hangouts and sleepovers, I was sitting on the lounge room floor watching episodes of Deal or No Deal, too embarrassed to talk to my friends about what was going on. Starting high school was already a stressful time trying to figure out where I fit in, I thought if my new friends and classmates found out about my family struggles I would fall even lower on the popularity ladder than I already was.

We found a new place not long after, but things were different, my dad who was usually the life of the party was rarely leaving the house and spending longer and longer periods in bed. Soon after this he was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety, after years of suffering in silence. When he was asked by his doctor why he didn’t get help sooner his answer was...

Well, guys don’t talk about their feelings.

I had spent years being taught the lessons of how to act like a man based on what I heard around me. I remember hearing the words “boys don’t cry” being said when I was younger, this later evolved into phrases like “man up” or “don’t be a girl” which were spoken frequently throughout my teenage years. At school I was always on edge, fearing somebody could attack my manliness, it kept me quiet, in emotional and distant from my friends.

Hearing those words from my dad: guys don’t talk about their feelings. I was worried this wasn’t just something I was going to have to deal with while in school. That my dad had spent his life doing the sane things I thought I was meant to do: sealing his feelings, laughing everything off with mates, and just getting through life.

When I was 13, my parents separated, and my mum moved out. My older brother took on a lot of responsibility but after a couple of years it got too much for him. Him and my dad got into a pretty big argument and my brother went to live with me mum. After this, my mum spoke pretty horribly about my dad to some of our other family, when I confronted her about it she told me I shouldn’t be so quick to defend him because he might not even be my real dad.

After a lifetime of already feeling like a duck in a world full of dogs, this information brought up some major identity issues. I was deviated, the one person everyone says is meant to love you unconditionally had set out to hurt me. I was confused about who I was and where I fit into this world. But I didn’t know how to be sad, or confused or hurt, as a guy I felt like I had only ever had permission to be angry, so that what I was.

I was angry at my my mum for what she said, I was angry at my dad because I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t just getting over his problems, I was angry at my brother because it felt like he had left me behind to pick pieces, but most of all I was angry at myself for caring so much about it all. I was angry because I thought I couldn’t show how hurt I was by everything or how alone I felt.

I spoke to my dad about seeing a counsellor and he got me an appointment at one close to my school. I was really nervous about seeing her, worried that she would tell me I was stupid, wasting her time or that my issues just weren’t a big deal. These concerns were quickly put at ease as she was incredibly supportive and encouraged me to talk about my emotional more openly and I became more comfortable talking about how I was feeling. She allowed me to vent to her my frustrations at life and for the first time I spoke about my issues not fitting in. She helped me realise that I wasn’t a duck in a world of dogs but a duck in a world full of so many different and amazing creatures.

Over the years I have become more confident in who I am, my dad is one of my best friends and we support each other through our journeys of mental health, the highs and the lows, we don’t go more than a day without a text or a phone call checking in and I still go to visit him at least once a week to have dinner in front of the tv and watch a movie or show we both enjoy.

After seeing a counsellor, I learnt small ways to look after my mental health. I started writing stories and poetry, expressing my thoughts and feelings on paper help me to clear my head. I watch tv shows and movies and review them friends, having long discussions about our thoughts and theories. What started out as small talk has evolved into much needed catch up sessions and deep conversations about our lives. I also love creating costumes for conventions and have met actors from some of my favourite movies and shows. I use the time building my costumes and props as a break from work, uni and life. Being a part of this wider community who all embrace find enjoyment is something that is so nerdy has helped my accept my authentic geeky self.

But most of all I do the thing I never thought I could do. I do the thing my dad says guys don’t do. I talk about my feelings. I talk to my girlfriend, to my dad and to my mates. I take time out out when I am feeling stressed and I cry when I need to cry. I am relieved that now without the pressure of forcing myself to be what I thought was a good “man” I have started in the journey of being a good person.